january 2026
i found some energy to break out a mix of traditional supplies and play. it was nice to remember i still "know how".
those bottom two there are about 5.5"x7.5". i don't have names for either one of em. they're both acrylic, cheapo colored pencils, ballpoint, paint markers, and probably some other stuff. elmers glue in there for certain.
IV appointments continued to do me good. i'm not able to leave the house much unless it's for appointments, and these are some of the rare kinds i'm able to look forward to. this was drawn over a picture my wife took.
the rest of the month was just doodlin.
february 2026
my hands had that fidgety buzz of needing to draw proper CARTOONS all month long, but it felt uniquely unintuitive. abstract stuff like this kept falling out in their wake instead.
to try and ease myself back into the world of Subjects and Forms, i drew over a kibble sketch by my buddy bruce. it helped a good deal. he's got a knack for translating depth of form over to simplicity of line, and it makes everything i struggle with look like kid's stuff. i'll link her stuff later, it's under construction.
i got some practice in. turned 27, too.
march 2026
march was eventful and strange. there was a lot of fluid in my head, and i was very sick. the buzz just kept getting louder and more demanding, and i had to paint a lot. during a mast cell attack, your histamines go crazy, and it makes you very alert. fatigued, confused, not fully "there", but good luck getting the sleep you need-- you're fucking WIRED, and everything gets coated in this nasty syrupy haze of urgency with no useful target. it's a fever dream. it's miserable.
synesthesia painting provided lots of relief.
this one was a single session. the songs i listened to, in order: this garner version of yesterdays, the loussier version of fugue no. 2, dexter gordon's "where are you?", the live tropicana version of basie's down for double, and finally, ken nordine's confessions of 349-18-5171. piano has a tendency to show up as those green scaffold shapes, and alto sax tends to be BRIGHT indigos and blues. bass is way more colors than you'd think-- it depends on the piece it's in. usually orange, maroon, or DEEP magenta.
i didn't keep a record for what i listened to with this one, unfortunately. i do remember one song in particular that informed the bulk of the piece as i listened to it, though. eternal thursday by aux mages.
we started finding our groove with tooning again, approaching things conservatively and loosely.
then something happened in my neck and head. i had been folding laundry, and i guess i looked down a little too far to the right. painful tear, burst of fluid. some of it leaked out of my ears. we went to the ER, but after an unremarkable CT, they sent me back home.
walking and being upright got much harder again after that. back to bedbound state.
meanwhile, arch percolates and iterates.
april 2026
pain kept getting worse after we got home from the hospital, and my mobility was pretty shot. that buzzing from months prior kept getting louder and louder. it didn't feel like creative agitation anymore, just fever. i did what i could to cry and paint it out.
i slept for a long time, woke up, sneezed, and puked out just about everything my body couldve. we went to the ER again. they ended up holding us for 4 days this time. my liver enzymes were crazy high. healthy range for ALT is like... what, 20-30? mine was 700. not the first time this has happened, but the highest it's ever been.
they took a bunch of blood, ran a bunch of tests, and everything came up as inconclusive as i'm used to. after my liver gathered herself to a safe extent, they sent me back home. averaging about 6 hours of awake-time a day since then, and mostly in bed.
all of these symptoms line up already with the existing MCAS diagnosis, but i guess i'll have to see if that'll "mean something" to enough doctors in the time necessary for it to amount to the consistent treatment i need. i've gotten close in the past, but there's been some manner of rugpull every time, and i can only afford to get my hopes so high. i'm open to surprise.
but art stays enjoyable. doodled RJ in varying modes.
i would like the hurt to stop, but i accept the possibility that it never does. now is the time to take some notes from bob flanagan. i am a master of managing pain, but with conditions of this nature, i think there may always be some new, previously inconceivable threshold of pain that i'll be barrelling through between periods of rest.
when i can't stop pain from happening, i can still decide what pain means.
last for the month, an updated arch sheet that we plugged away at when we could.
may 2026
starting the month trying to keep head on straight. waiting on more appts. tired. heres pictures. just painlogging.
mothers day came and went in the way it does.
5.11.26 i am not sleeping well. here are quick paintings from memories.
cervical mri looked clear. some more appointments+tests in coming weeks. think i just get to rest this week. hope so!
think the next one coming up is an angiogram. had a lot of stuff done, but there's one i haven't done yet. i never "look forward" to procedures per se, but i appreciate the extra wordly contexts that they give me.
5.14.26 here's a meditation piece. canvases that start wild and make a habit of wrangling themselves in usually means a lot of talking, and a lot of handshakes happening on the neural front.
5.16.26 i am not "discovering", so much as relearning and becoming more resolute in, my understandings of pain you can't reason with.
it still passes once it's heard. i don't resent it. bodies only send the signals that they think they're supposed to. sometimes you can really guide this stuff by the hand, and sometimes trying to do so makes you look and feel as stupid as someone trying to make rhetorical appeals to a screaming baby. nothing to do but cradle and rock it back to sleep.
05.21.26 start & stop.
05.23.26
05.24.26
05.25.26 "toothpick"
05.27.36 "where's the fire"
05.28.36 "i think you already know where heaven is". statement.
no title for this one
05.29.26
05.31.26 some pain passed for a little bit. weather went easy on me.
june 2026
06.01.26 starting w passing the same canvas back and forth with good friend dante. all those awesome faces are him
06.02.26
06.05.26
06.07.26
06.12.26
06.17.26 untitled, "i want to hurt you", "red bend"
06.18.26
06.19.26 "out of"
06.20.26 "hungry"
06.22.26 "who do i have the pleasure of speaking to" / "not an animal"
06.25.26 "reply stop" / "arlow & otto"
06.27.26
06.28.26
06.30.26
july 2026
not much to say. very sick. in lot of pain. things in cervical region really spiraling after in-law got physical with me over my bed (yes, we are trying to leave). cant be upright much. painting a lot.
07.01.2026
"dead bug"
07.02.2026
07.03.2026
07.08.2026
BG is a paintover and manip of an interior shot of a banga bungalow, a 70s space-age prefab design/concept piece by italian designer carlo zappa. like pretty much every 20thc western world tiny house concept, it starts and ends with "well ill be! what a cute idea". yeah man i cant wait to take my fiberglass bubble glamping with me. like fuck off right. well this shit is great for one thing: makin pics like this. well anyway uh heres the song in it
07.09.2026
a comm from wonderful friend theo who gave me some TMBG songs to work off of. had a good time. turns out TMBG makes me see lots of flat colored bubbles
"fucked canvas"
"something somewhere between gestation and decay"
07.11.2026
"nervous tic"
07.16.2026
"in sickness & in health", celebrating 5 years w/ my wife. love you kit. wish i could make any of this easier. every time i try to write more about this my head goes fuzzy. something something .. disability.. the difference between interdependence and codependence that i do not expect many to understand, and at their own peril... etc etc.. how lucky i am to know kindness personified. maybe i can make this worth reading later. i dont know!
07.18.2026
"arch in box"
untitled
07.21.2026
07.22.2026
lets be strawberry shortcake who fucking gives a shit!!!!!!!!!!!! (plum puddin for arch w combo of boy and girl outfits, strawberry for JB, orange blossom for rj)
07.25.2026
something different. digital collage+paint
07.27.2026
07.30.2026
lasso tool doodle
something from march i never finished
and remember:
i dont want to die but it hurts to live in a way im extremely bored of finding familiar. see you later
aug 2026
8.02.2026
a comm for my good friend patrick, based on indiscipline by king crimson. zenned out listening to that whole album a few times while workin. three of a perfect pair is usually my favorite king crimson album but watch me eat my fuckin words every time matte kudasai comes on, man
also, clayton facts
8.03.2026
cardinals were his favorite
8.04.2026
8.05.2026
8.09.2026
8.10.2026
had some beautifully mobile days in the middle of the month, and i lucked out HARD, because it lined up w/ our buddy pat coming to visit. we had fun! i painted while we chilled out.
i even found the strength and mobility to get the real paints back out. oil is still new to me, and it's gonna take me a minute to figure out what i can get away with.
8.17.2026
kibblesoup for the soul
"brilliant men drill holes"
and an untitled one
8.19.2026
at last! at last! a newer sheet for kibble sportin the buzz
a doodle inspired by the way my dreams tend to cobble spaces together
and thissun
8.22.2026
8.29.2026
8.31.2026
"self portrait capturing sensation of being so sick that everything is itchy and wriggling but it's not interfering with one's enjoyment of fine cinema"
